My Impostor! Syndrome
Imposter!
Recently a confluence of three different things, which on their own were bad enough, happened within a week of each other that sent my self-esteem plummeting on this downward spiral where my brain decided to play on repeat in stereo, “You don’t belong here.” It was not my best week.
The first was a self-compassion meditation, of all things. This guided meditation focused on acknowledging and then letting go of the negative thoughts and emotions that hold you back. I was hoping it would clear out my head so that I could work productively. So I sat comfortably, closed my eyes, and tuned inward as instructed. Within a minute a soft yet clear voice inside my head said, “You don’t belong here,” which was immediately followed by a tightness in my diaphragm and a shortening of my breath. I felt myself sink, collapsing in on myself and I had a strong desire to say, “Yup, you’re right. My parents were right. What was I thinking moving out here? What was I thinking to be a dancer in the first place? That’s not a real job.” But I did not. Instead, I made myself sit with that feeling (Thank you, P!) and eventually it did dissipate, but it left me feeling shaken.
A couple of days later, I received an email from office admin A on behalf of the department chair wanting to know when I would be available to meet with several senior faculty members. I will not say that I had a panic attack, but my diaphragm tightened (again) making me short of breath (again), my focus narrowed like zooming out on a single point and I had an intense urge to flee. There was very little information in the email, it was one sentence long, so my mind immediately played out these imaginary scenarios and none of the outcomes are good. I tentatively asked around trying to find out the purpose of the meeting, but know one seems to know. (Notice my avoidance in asking the department chair herself. I made up some lame excuse to myself that I she’s so busy and I shouldn’t bother her.) The following day, however, I remembered that she and I are co-faculty sponsors for one of the dance student groups and we’ve been meaning to gather with the faculty advisors for the theatre student groups in order to encourage more collaboration between both departments. As my blood pressure eased back down, I kind of laughed at myself (read: began breathing normally) and at my propensity to catastrophisize. It is one of my best talents.
The third happened just as I was getting over the first two. I received a bad review for a work that I set for the HCC Faculty Concert, which hurt my feelings more than I care to admit, especially when the writer practically gushes over the choreographic genius of the other artists in the concert. I felt embarrassed because the review felt like a personal attack and wondered if I should ever choreograph again or even try to make a career in higher ed.
In the midst of this downward spiral week, I received a fortune cookie that read, “You never hesitate to face a challenge.” When I first read the fortune, I laughed and thought boy did this cookie pick the wrong girl, but I also thought it was a nice idea to live up to. So for my sake, I worked (very very hard) to see from the reviewer’s perspective. My feelings weren’t any less hurt by this exercise but I freely admit that while I liked many elements of this piece, it needed work, which I could not give it because I became preoccupied with dismantling my life in MD and planning a cross-country move. There were some other elements at play as well, but again to use my fancy grad school knowledge that is beyond the scope of this essay.
Make no mistake that is not an excuse on my part but I do wish that I had a crystal ball and could see into the future. I might have made different choices. Maybe. I always did liked to do things the hard way.
Just before my inevitable downward spiral I covered the acting classes for a colleague. Rather than try to teach acting, I approached the class from the perspective of the body. Specifically, how changes in the body posture will change how you feel and how that can impact character development, and I introduced the concept with Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk.
https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en (in case you have 20 minutes to spare)
The parallels with my recent experiences, my resultant body postures and Ms. Cuddy’s message of using your body postures to fake it until you become it were not lost on me. I have worked hard to get where I am and have endured from family or friends, while well intentioned, the digs that I get a real job or that I’m being selfish for being an artist. I have left my comfort zone and taken a big step towards what I want to be and do yet somehow I feel like I don’t deserve it. I’m waiting for someone to show up to my class or my office, but most likely my class because the humiliation factor will be that much higher, tell me that they are sorry but they have discovered I am not who I say I am and now I have to leave. That downward spiral has put me in a place where I am so afraid of making mistakes yet so afraid to ask for help. The circular thinking has tied me in knots. Intellectually, I know that I belong. So when will the rest of me catch up?
